ode to a long summer day

On the second day of Genomics class, I met with my group members for the semester. One was a freshman exchange student from South Korea, one was a permanent student (like me) from Honduras, and one was... well, he wasn't at the meeting, so we'd assumed he'd left early or hadn't come to class at all. Until Carlos, the Honduras student, called his name across the room, and he popped his head up and asked, "What?" Turned out he had simply gone to the wrong group.

"So what's your name?"
"Toby. I'm a second-year grad student."
"Nice. Where are you from?"
"Cornell."

Cornell? My first question, of course, was why in all that is holy would you come to a place like NTU for graduate school after graduating from an Ivy League university? The connections you build from an Ivy alone would be enough to land you a starting job, or a paid internship, in the Ithaca or NYC area, fresh out of college. I never asked him this outright, but it wasn't until he came into the group discussion that I suddenly felt very intimidated.

It was easy to disappear in high school. I only had to do my work quietly in most of my classes, never make a peep during school rallies, and never attend football games. It was easy not to participate, and it was so easy to become a nobody. That changed when I came to college at NTU. I became "that girl from California," and it became less easy to disappear into the shadows. One, my Chinese name is two letters long, and really easy to remember. It's both a blessing and a curse, with professors and TAs and my friends. Two, I enjoyed the newfound attention. After sitting in the background for a while, having the spotlight is a major step up, and altogether very addicting.

In college I have been given an environment where some people are actually intimidated by me. I'm aggressive and very forward, and if I have something on my mind, I just say it. I ask questions when I'm unsure and I'm not afraid of strangers or people older than me. It's unlike the character and personality that most Taiwanese girls adopt when they enter college. Appearing weak, air-headed, and dainty is still their method of choice, but I have never been able to appear delicate or anything "cute" because I love to be loud and obnoxious. English became my weapon of choice, and I could win any argument by shooting rapid-fire English in the other person's direction, and they would be at a loss at how to respond. I played badminton, knew how to swim, played the piano for 13-ish years, and spoke French. Suddenly very mundane accomplishments become magnified when I am surrounded by people who spent the majority of their high school years studying and spitting up on examinations.

Which brings me back to how I was intimidated by Toby and his shining Ivy League education. I would have never enjoyed this kind of status in California; never been given this much attention at anything I do and anything I say. I don't shine in any particular aspect when surrounded by my high school friends, most of which have gone on to Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD, and the Ivys. I'm average in every respect, and from where I come from I might always be that way.

But when dwarfed by Toby, it makes me feel powerless again. It's like Prince John being dethroned by King Richard when he comes home from the war. The status and the power gets to your head, and you feel infallible, until the day the true claim to the throne comes home and you are forced to live a humble, shadowed life once again.

Of course, I exaggerate.

But the power play and hubris I have enjoyed so much for the past two years cannot last forever, since I don't plan on staying here after university. I need to find a way to get rid of that attitude in order for me to be able to get right on track when I get back home to California after university.

Otherwise I'll just be a nobody, again.

close as close can be

So after a while of camping out on Wordpress, changing my theme every few days in a manner that can only be described as OCD, and never satisfied with the results... after a while of realising I will never be satisfied with a blog with which I have no control over its stylesheet/CSS, I've decided to move back here. Yeah. I know. I decided not to say anything about this move because people would kill me, and I'm fine with no one reading what I write.

I want to document a strange dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was getting married—or in the process of doing so, anyway. I woke up one morning and remembered I was getting married that day. Suddenly, it's fifteen minutes (or a short time) until the ceremony and I have no make-up done, I don't know where my dress is, and my bridesmaids are either gone or drunk and I have no idea what's going on. I remember I kept on thinking I have more time, it's no problem...

I don't know, or don't remember, who the groom was. Someone from high school, probably? I remember I was on the verge of tears because I really wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to marry him. I decided to go through with it for the sole reason that my parents paid a fortune for the wedding and I didn't want the money to go to waste.

The dream can be interpreted in a variety of ways. My bad procrastination habits are highlighted in my failure to be ready fifteen minutes prior to the ceremony. Being unsure about the groom highlights my fear of commitment.

I woke up with one of those "wtf" meme faces.

go ahead and play me your sad song

Too Taiwanese to be American, and too American to be Taiwanese. It's not like I have to choose one and stick with it, because there's both in me and there always will be, but I'm sick of wanting the former when I want the latter and vice versa. I'm tired of trying to fit in wherever I go and not being satisfied with anything or anyone I become. I'm so tired of trying to maintain a dual personality. I want to be me. Is that so difficult, so much to ask?